Serious relationships in the popular context is the exclusive, one partner-at-a-time type.
Although they are hardly eternal, they’re expected to be private affairs, shared between two people who have chosen each other to the exclusion of all other persons. So if you are in love with your partner, it would be expected that that’s where it should stop. You’re allowed to love someone else, but only when that relationship ends. And when a new relationship begins, the love, affection and feelings are moved over to the new partner, the old one forgotten.
That’s what we’ve always known, right?
Well, that was it until Dr. Gary Brown, a couples’ therapist in Los Angeles shed some light on a different, new perspective we may not have thought about before. He tells Elite Daily that: “you can certainly still be in love with your ex and also be in love with your current partner — this is actually a very common theme for many people.
“This is particularly true if there are some genuinely good things you miss. That is completely normal.”
If this is your reality even though you have started dating someone new, it’s important to not deny your process.
He adds: “Accept that it is over, and also accept that, depending upon how deep your love was for your ex, that they are likely going to own a piece of your heart for a long time.”
The word ‘talk’ is an informal verb used in a familiar or personal setting. The addition of the prepositions ‘to’ and ‘at’ gives it another meaning entirely.
Relationship is all about communication and interaction at all levels. A healthy one has the presence of mutual respect for both parties.
The ability to carry on a healthy and long lasting relationship is tantamount with the way partners converse. Just like I said earlier, mutual respect is a key feature of a healthy relationship.
What does it mean to ‘talk at’ people?
Engaging with another person in an almost monologue without leaving room for his/her perspective. The main purpose of talking at people is to offload an unpleasant emotion, to make the other party guilty, sad or downcast. Talking at people is a selfish way of communication, an effective communication must have a feedback. You not giving the other person a chance to speak simply means an effective communication has not taken place.
In our society today, most parents are prone to talking at their children. This is the number one stepping stone to low self esteem. When a child gets used to people at home screaming and talking at him, he would not be able to defend himself when he goes outside, or he might see violence as the sure way to defend himself, this eventually results to bullying.
In any form of relationship, whether between parents and children, husband and wife; teacher and student, girlfriend and boyfriend; brother and sister etc, selfish form of communication should be eliminates. Let us help build our confidence level.
What does ‘talking to’ someone mean?
Well, logically we would know that this is the direct opposite of ‘talking at’ someone. ‘Talking to’ is the act of conversing with people with the aim of inviting them into your discussion, not to offload struggle, but to seek different perspectives, pieces of advice, correction or to give encouragement. Talking to people is a prerequisite for effective communication and it brings about personal development. The crucial principle here is that the recipient of the message is seen as more than a muted audience and the reason for speaking is more than an emotional release. ‘Talking to’ is a productive kind of conversation with the sole aim of improving, reforming and changing a course.
Why ‘talking to’ is important in a romantic relationship
Let us get down specifically to romantic relationship. It cannot be refuted that everyone in this kind of relationship love to have mutual one-on-one intimate interaction with their partners/spouses. Everyone wants to be heard and listened to. Why is this so? Because we all have different opinions on the same issue.
Preventing your partner from defending himself/herself during an argument is tending towards egocentrism and narcissism-it is very selfish. It takes two people to be on a relationship and it also takes two people to make it work. If you do not want him/her to contribute to any conversation that crops up, then go and date yourself, marry yourself and argue with yourself. That way, you would not have to listen to other people’s opinion, you would be in a relationship with yourself and no one would be hurt.
In conclusion, everyone in a relationship should be given that respect to talk as an individual and rational being. When you love your partner, you would always want to listen to him/her. So, I believe that love is the driving force.
There are many hurdles in the dating world – finding the right filter for your Tinder pic, learning how to play it cool while you wait for WhatsApp ticks to go from grey to blue, aubergine emojis – but there is one that trumps them all: how do you know when somebody fancies you?
It’s a complex question, one whose answers have mutated and evolved with the times. A few years ago, an obvious indicator of romantic interest might’ve been, say, a casual “come here often?” quip at the bar. Or perhaps, in simpler times, putting someone’s name in your MSN bio. Not so in 2019.
Another equally archaic flirting tactic is “negging” – a term to describe men who insult women they’re attracted to – as coined by author Neil Strauss, who whose once lauded book The Game now reads like a dating manual for misogynists.
“Pulling up the sleeves of a dress or a top to reveal the lower part of our inner arms – the softest skin on our body – is often a subconscious sign of attraction,” she says, noting that it displays our vulnerability to someone.
2. You talk about mundane things
If someone likes you, they will find any excuse to text you, says psychologist Madeleine Mason Roantree of dating agency, The Vida Consultancy.
The messages might seem weird or dull (“I just came back from the park” or “Had a long day at work”), but it’s a good sign, she adds, because it shows this person is keen to chat to you about anything at all.
3. They remember what you say
If someone is interested in dating you, they will remember aspects of your previous conversations, says Hemmings. Whether it’s a minor detail about the new coffee machine at work or the location of your sister’s birthday party, if they like you, they will follow up to find out more.
4. Texts often end with a question
If they end their messages to you with a question, no matter how insipid (“what did you have for lunch?”), it’s a strong sign they want to keep communicating with you. “This is a bid to get you to engage with them,” says Mason. “They want to maintain a sense of connection by keeping a conversation going.”
5. They will alter their body language to be closer to you
There’s more to showing interest through body language than just holding eye contact (a well-documented indicator of interest). Other gestures, Hemmings notes, may include leaning in towards you and crossing their legs, or standing at an angle so their body is facing you. “This suggests that someone is enjoying your company,” she says.
6. They try to impress you
Are they inviting you to swanky bars, trendy photography exhibitions, or revered plays? This isn’t showing off, they are trying to impress you, says Mason.
“This kind of behaviour can occasionally be difficult to spot as you don’t necessarily know their default nature,” she adds. But if they’re taking the lead by planning fun and engaging activities for the two of you, it’s a clear indicator that they are making an effort to woo you.
7. You know when you’ll next see them after a date
If you’ve just had a good date, let’s say conversation was flowing and the sparks were flying, you will be a source of excitement for them, says Mason. “By spending time with you, their levels of the ‘happy hormone’, dopamine, increase. They will want more of that,” she explains. Hence why you will know soon after leaving them when you’ll see them again, because they will make sure it’s in the diary.
8. They get in touch at random points of the day
“Texting is often used simply for pragmatic reasons, or sometimes out of habit or obligation,” says Hemmings. When someone messages you sporadically – i.e not just to make a plan or find out information about something – it shows they’re spending time thinking about you, she explains.
9. They tell you how they feel
This might seem blatantly obvious. But some people really do just straight up tell you they like you, says Mason. “Saying it out loud is an attempt to secure the longevity and exclusivity of being with you,” the psychologist adds.