Quite a number of people go into relationships blindly and for the wrong reasons. It’s one thing to be adventurous and it’s another to be desperate or vengeful.
It is popularly believed that a romantic relationship is supposed to bring us peace, happiness, purpose, joy and eventually a family, so it’s not surprising why people long for it even if it’s for the wrong reasons. Sometimes, we enter into relationships with the belief that it will eliminate all our problems faced as singles.
In effect, everyone is in a relationship. Let’s think about it: we relate with our family, our friends, our neighbors, bosses and even our works. Relationship has to do with the interaction between ‘you’ and ‘them’, whoever or whatever ‘them’ happens to be at that moment. So, the issue of ‘love yourself first’ is a very valid one. To move into a new relationship is emotionally hectic, but to move into one based on wrong reasons is more tormenting and frustrating.
In a research conducted by Stephblog on wrong reasons why people go into relationships, it can be generally concluded that most people venture into relationships wrongly either through malice or ignorance.
The incessant talk of relationship, marriage, children has been hammered into our head right from childhood that the ultimate satisfaction a human would ever get been human is get married and give birth to children. This idealistic definition of human race has led some onto an unfulfilling relationship. To know if you are in a relationship for the wrong reasons, read below:
- YOU FEEL LONELY: loneliness shouldn’t be a main motivator to jump into a relationship. There are healthy ways to fill your loneliness. Ironically, you may feel more lonely in that relationship. It is agreed that relationships fill the void, but note that it’s not just any kind of relationship, it’s the right kind not the one that was entered blindly solely because of loneliness.
- YOU FEEL YOU ARE GETTING OLD: no one wants to become too old for a good relationship. In fact, age does not determine the goodness or badness of your relationship. So, age shouldn’t make you desperate to choose wrongly. The problem of age is a serious one especially for the females. When we get to a specific age we begin to feel so anxious that we go for whomever comes our way. Patience is the key. Your prince charming os on his way.
- YOU WERE FORCED: this looks hilarious, but it still happens. Some people were forced into the relationships they are in now. Some people are unhappy in their relationships because they were forced either by peer pressure or the society they are in. Class segregation where rich marries the rich and poor to the poor; society may force some people from a particular class to marry from their own class regardless of whether they are interested or not.
- BECAUSE OF MONEY: financial security is good in a relationship, but putting your decision to go into a relationship because of money not reasonable. When the money finishes, what will you do? It will get to a particular time you will discover that money isn’t everything and can’t fill the void, then you become lonely and unhappy.
- TO MAKE SOMEONE JEALOUS: your boyfriend hurts you and you want to hurt him back, so you decide to date someone else to make him jealous. In the process you are hitting the innocent third party. Intentionally making using a relationship you are not serious with to make someone jealous is not healthy.
- YOUR FRIEND LIKES HIM AND YOU SECRETLY HATE YOUR FRIEND: this looks manipulative and vindictive. You are on a mission to make your supposed friend sad and hurt so you take the boy she likes. You want to have this euphoric feeling that ‘yeah! I won, I hurt her’, this is a wrong reason to go into a relationship because you might end up breaking someone’s heart and destroying a friendship.
- YOU JUST WANT TO HAVE A TASTE OF THE GOODIES AND GO: you are definitely attracted to that person but not interested in a serious relationship, instead, you deceive the person involved into believing you are in for the long haul but alas you are in that relationship for sex through deceit. Aside from the fact that this is wrong, it’s also immoral and partially rape because it was done on false pretense.
- YOU WANT TO WASTE HIS/HER TIME BECAUSE YOU ARE ON A REVENGE MISSION: so, the person hurt someone you know and you decide to have a payback- “I will do unto you what you did to others”. This is very unhealthy and emotionally draining. It can lead to you getting hurt on the long run. Ironically, you might be the one who ends up with a broken heart.
No matter how perfect a relationship is, sooner or later the relationship talk would crop up. Stronger relationships are built through interpersonal communication.
Your relationship talk might not necessarily be about break up, it might be about your sex life, money or family issues. You might be currently confused on how to bridge an issue eating you up from the inside out, to your partner that you think about it everyday and everywhere.
You are not alone on this, in fact, millions of couples have gone through this tunnel and some are currently going through it. There are ways this talk can be handled. Kate Forsythe, a specialist in sexuality, relationships and divorce has posited 7 ways for preparing for the tough talk.
- Give your partner a heads-up that you would like to carve out time for a serious talk. The four words men hate most are “We Need To Talk”. If a woman says that to a guy, he dreads it, and he may balk, but the conversation needs to happen. Just the opposite is true for most women. When a guy says that to a woman, she may be anxious, but she is likely to welcome the opportunity for discussion. Recognize that you’re coming from completely different corners.
- Creat three talking points (and only three!) and memorize them. Be able to make each point in one sentence. If you say nothing else, these are the points you need to make. Now you have a skeleton outline to help you return to the issues at hand if you get sidetracked.
- Be concise. We tend to say too much. Say it once. Let silence happen while your partner processes your points.
- Don’t be in it to win it. Be in it to discover how your partner sees it. In fact, ask, “How do you see it?” This attitude shift is critical. It’s not a fight. It’s a discussion.
- Stay in the present! Do not bring up past transgressions no matter how tempting it is to zap him with old atrocities. That’s hitting below the belt. Defensiveness and anger will follow, and your talk will dissolve into an argument no one can win.
- After you’ve covered your three talking points, ask, “Where do we go from here?” Be prepared with your own suggestions, but listen to your partner’s ideas, too. He or she may suggest alternatives that never crossed your mind.
- If you’re reduced to shouting, be confident enough to end the discussion. Suggest you both think about what happened and set a time to talk within three days when both of you have calmed down.
Following these tactics is a sure guarantee for having a mature heart to heart talk even when it gets emotional. Once you’ve said everything that needs to be said, you will notice a freedom where there used to be tension.
So, take the leap now. Stop your procrastination and say everything that needs to be said.